Sylvester Stallone Reviews 'The Expendables'

  • By MyAlterEgo on

    August 16, 2010


  • Ay yo, this is Sly Stallone checkin in. I just wanted to to tell you bout my new movie, The Expendables. You know, I'ya put alotta work in this film. Getting alla your favorite action stars into this one bad ass flick. I mean, there is so much, uh, testosterone piled into this film, your girlfriend is pry gonna get a little aroused during the movie...you know what I mean?

    But seriously, I mean, uh, this is a really good flick n all. Yo, you got some, uh, great characters, and the action sequences, you know, will make you, uh, piss your pants and all. I even risked my life during filming, you know what I mean (yo, check it HERE)? Ya know, I mean, tell me some otha action star out there willin to break his neck to please some fans...ya know?

    Go and watch The Expendables today, and, uh, support what real action movies should be like. I mean, yo, it ain't every day you get to see Sly on the big screen...right? Now I'm goin to pass the torch to the man runnin the real, uh, review here. Ya know, enjoy this shit. Sly out.

    It won't be easy, but I will try and top Sly's review with my own. It will be brief, but let's face it, the movie is about bad ass action, and there really is not much else to say about it.

    A brief synopsis, courtesy of the "Official Site," explodes like so:
    Expendable: capable of being sacrificed in order to accomplish a military objective.

    THE EXPENDABLES is a hard-hitting action/thriller about a group of mercenaries hired to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator. Once the mission begins, the men realize things aren't quite as they appear, finding themselves caught in a dangerous web of deceit and betrayal. With their mission thwarted and an innocent life in danger the men struggle with an even tougher challenge, one that threatens to destroy this band of brothers.
    Those of you interested in the movie (you would not be reading this if you weren't) already know the ridiculously awesome cast on hand. You also already know that this movie is balls-to-the-wall, bat shit insane, with action, truly testing if you are indeed a man. Caution: some spoilers may ensue.

    What the story and trailers show you, is exactly what you get....a fun ass ride, with some guys freaks doing what they do best...f*** some shit up, and ruin someone's day.

    There are guns, explosions, car chases, veins bulging out of muscles, and more explosions throughout the entire movie. If you were expecting something deep and insightful, I....well...to put it nicely, you are an idiot. You better be ready to get kicked in the nuts by some crazy stunts, and 1 hour and 40 minutes of raw action.

    The story is nothing original, but is executed fairly well. Evil el presidente is unruly, killing peasants over petty crimes, and someone is needed to stop him in his tracks. The little twist here? An American is controlling el presidente, because he is providing sufficient funds to keep the country alive. Simple? Yes. Perfect setup for an all-out action movie? Hell yes.

    To carry the story, and action of course, the script has to have some fluidity. There is a good mix of humor, buddy-buddy talk, emotion, and one-liners, where nothing feels overused or unnecessary. The only bit that did not seem to fit into the story was for Jason Statham's (Lee Christmas) character. He was the only character whom was really developed, but it mostly involved him and his love life. I guess they wanted to make him actually look and feel like a human being, and not just some programmed killing machine (understandable, but not really necessary).

    Acting you say, we don't need no stinking acting. Nah, I kid, I kid. The acting was actually pretty good (Randy Couture and Dolph Lundgren were a nice surprise). Statham, Jet Li, and Stallone receive most of the screen time, and they are great as usual. Terry Crewes, Dolph, Couture, Mickey Rourke (perfect in his role), Steve Austin, and everyone else, all carried their own and put in solid performances. It was kind of refreshing to see how much everyone truly embraced their characters, and just enjoyed being in the movie. Everyone had great chemistry, and, at times, you get the feeling that they all grew up together (which, technically, some of them kind of did).

    Now to the juicy bits....the action. I will keep this very brief, because these scenes must be witnessed, not described in a review. Every explosion, gun shot, punch, chase, etc. was insanely cool. As Sly stated above, he broke his freakin neck filming a fight scene with Steve Austin (which is sweet by the way), and still finished the movie. Suck on that professional athletes (You know who I'm talking about. Those who sprain a finger and are out for two weeks). The only downside to some sequences was some CGI blood and effects; but none of it was outlandish enough to take away from the movie (at least not for me). There was also................sorry no more from me, you have to watch it for yourself. Boo-yaaaaaahhhh.

    Overall:
    9 out of 10

    If you are a sucker for action classics, such as Rambo, Predator, Die Hard, etc, then you are in for a treat my friend. Bad ass is now on a whole new level. Michael Bay, go eat your heart out.

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