Fake Halo: Reach Review

  • By MyAlterEgo on

    September 9, 2010

  • Update: For some reason, the 3 comments on this post have disappeared.....getting a little frustrated with the commenting system lately.

    Before I get into the meat and potatoes (sound tasty?) of my post, I would like to point out three important points:
    1. I am a current owner of a PS3 and an Xbox 360 (love both consoles, and do not favor one over the other).
    2. THIS IS NOT A REAL HALO: REACH REVIEW (hopefully the title gave this point away).
    3. At the end, I will explain why I am writing a fake review.
    Story

    So, you have the planet Reach being taken over by those bastards in the "Covenant." The writing sucks; the voice acting sucks; and everything is completely ridiculous. There is no fluidity with any of the scenarios, and everything is a complete mess. It stinks, and I don't like it.

    Gameplay

    Everything is rehashed from Halo: Combat Evolved, Halo 2, Halo 3, and ODST. The weapons, armor, loadouts, etc. are the exact same as all of the previous games. No strategy is involved with the campaign, you just run-and-gun your way through each section of the map and move on. Co-op cannot even save this disaster.


    Graphics

    More of the same old shit here to. The textures, lighting, physics, etc. look even worse in Reach than in Halo 3 -- this may even be a compliment. I guess technology has not evolved enough to get any kind of upgrade in the graphics department. Oh well, graphics don't make a game, the gameplay and story does....wait....that's right, they are both terrible to.

    Multiplayer

    Now, onto the portion of the review that everyone has been waiting for....the multiplayer portion of the game. There is the nice additions to Forge, where you can basically create an entire map to your liking -- thumbs up there. After that? Nothing. There are about 6 maps, all with a terrible design; mostly catering to the COD camping crowd. It takes ages to kill someone, and it is nothing but a noobfest.

    Overall: 3/10

    What a complete waste of time and money Halo: Reach truly is. There is nothing to justify a $60 purchase, and Bungie needs to figure their shit out. Do not buy this game, you will regret every minute of it.

    Reason for the fake review

    Okay, my fake review is now over. Many of you Halo fans (and even those who know nothing about the series) will realize how utterly stupid and naive this review is. There is zero substance, and explanation to why I dislike the story, gameplay, graphics, etc. Saying they suck and nothing has changed is ludicrous, and should not be taken seriously.

    When you watch all of the gameplay videos (Firefight, multiplayer, campaign, etc.) you can clearly see numerous changes/improvements were made. For example: armor abilities, weapon/ability loadouts, improved graphics, new weapons, Forge (create your own map), and the list goes on.

    Here is a Halo: Reach review from Techvoo. If someone seriously finds this review credible, all hope is lost. The review is about four paragraphs long, and is mostly negative with no explanation as to why so many things are hated. (This review is the reason I made my own fake review.)

    I think what bothered me the most with this review was right in the beginning with the "Story." I will quote two sentences (good thing there were only four sentences I had to read) that jumped out at me:
    With that said you can imagine story does not define this series. So things are the same this time around but if you're into this sort of poorly written science fiction than I doubt my review will affect your decision to purchase the game.
    Not everyone enjoys the story, and that is okay, it is their opinion. But, to say that it does not drive the series, is a lie right there. Then, to say that Halo is poorly written, is just ignorant. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an example of poorly written science fiction, not Halo.

    All-in-all, I call bullshit on this so-called "Review" from Techvoo. You do not even have to read the entire post to figure out they did not even play the game. The damn screenshots are official screens from Bungie, not from the gamer him/herself.

    I am not a die hard Halo fanboy, like the millions out there, but I will stand up for a game when I see some ridiculous review like the one from Techvoo. They are just begging for site hits, and comments from readers....and as of now, they are succeeding.

    5 comments:

    MyAlterEgo said...

    3 comments have been made on this article (that I know of), but Blogger's commenting system has been shit for the past month or so.

    This article has been receiving a lot of visits in the past few weeks, and I find it very hard to believe that not one single person, of the hundreds of visits, has not commented one time.

    If you have tried to comment, and it will not let you, I apologize. If your comment supposedly went through, but it is not appearing, again I apologize. Blogger needs to get this straightened out quickly.

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